Bedtime Story
This morning after the exam concluded (short, intense, difficult) and we were herded out to the sidewalk to make way for the next session, I was one of the first to walk away. There was just one girl in front of me, whom I recognized as a fellow exchange student (American). Perhaps the only one I didn't befriend over these last few months. Or three-quarters of a year, whatever - that's an aside. The wind was sharp against me, colder than it's been for quite some time and cold enough to make me feel insulted, as if it were mocking me. I kept my head down for that and other reasons, focusing intently on coaxing more relief from the clutches of disappointment. I skipped across South Bridge and walked up a little further before rounding the corner, the wind blowing harder and cutting through. When I stepped round, it picked up violently for a second and, all at once, I saw a hundred thousand wonderful things before me. The sun, which hadn't risen above the buildings, flooded the street and the tiny pink leaves of a tree I can't name came swirling down in the eddy. It was what I imagine the opposite of Christmastime would look like. I smiled, of course, but not because I was overcome by the beauty, overwhelmed into instantaneously forgetting all troubles. No, I smiled and thought, that was fucked-up. Because, really, it was. It is. And I like this - I like that the bitter wind can turn on itself in a flash of brilliance and spectacle, because it has nothing to do with me. This past week I've become so disgustingly self-involved while sat here in my room, that I needed a reminder of the phenomena which I play no part in. That no matter how much I study or play or shame or strut, the day won't care. And there's something in this both inspiring and embarrassing, realizing it's time to forget about myself and all my plans.
This morning after the exam concluded (short, intense, difficult) and we were herded out to the sidewalk to make way for the next session, I was one of the first to walk away. There was just one girl in front of me, whom I recognized as a fellow exchange student (American). Perhaps the only one I didn't befriend over these last few months. Or three-quarters of a year, whatever - that's an aside. The wind was sharp against me, colder than it's been for quite some time and cold enough to make me feel insulted, as if it were mocking me. I kept my head down for that and other reasons, focusing intently on coaxing more relief from the clutches of disappointment. I skipped across South Bridge and walked up a little further before rounding the corner, the wind blowing harder and cutting through. When I stepped round, it picked up violently for a second and, all at once, I saw a hundred thousand wonderful things before me. The sun, which hadn't risen above the buildings, flooded the street and the tiny pink leaves of a tree I can't name came swirling down in the eddy. It was what I imagine the opposite of Christmastime would look like. I smiled, of course, but not because I was overcome by the beauty, overwhelmed into instantaneously forgetting all troubles. No, I smiled and thought, that was fucked-up. Because, really, it was. It is. And I like this - I like that the bitter wind can turn on itself in a flash of brilliance and spectacle, because it has nothing to do with me. This past week I've become so disgustingly self-involved while sat here in my room, that I needed a reminder of the phenomena which I play no part in. That no matter how much I study or play or shame or strut, the day won't care. And there's something in this both inspiring and embarrassing, realizing it's time to forget about myself and all my plans.
by brian at 6:16 PM
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